Never in a million years did I expect to have so many parts to this post… but again, a professional athlete has managed to seem incompetent.
In his defense, I must admit that I have likely engaged in the same activity, though perhaps not to the same outcome – although, as you’ll soon learn, perhaps a different incident of mine was worse. (At least I was 12 years old.)
But first, the story of Derrick Rose: the rookie Chicago Bull (that’s basketball, people – but you knew that because of Jordan) required 10 stitches to his left arm after he accidentally slice himself in addition to the apple he was attempting to eat… in bed.
I eat in bed. And I often eat apples. Which I like to slice first… and top with cinnamon. So I have probably done this.
Maybe professional sports teams should begin putting additional clauses in contracts. Not only should riding a motorcycle or jumping out of a plane be banned, but also shooting oneself with a gun, ironing one’s shirt while it is still on one’s chest, and slicing apples in bed.
But I could only point and laugh for so long, though, since I have an embarrassingly similar story. Except that I was 12 years old. And it hasn’t affected my professional career.
WARNING: The following is not for the faint of heart. Reader discretion is advised.
It was a crisp October day, and the Grade 7 students at my elementary school were carving pumpkins with their Grade 2 buddies. It’s always fun until someone gets hurt… Leave it to me to ruin the party!
Fed up with the dinky orange plastic carving “knife” – turns out I’ve always been impatient! – I kindly asked my teacher for a better knife. So she gave me the steak knife she uses for lunch.
Neither of us thought twice about the apparent dangers.
You know when you’re carving pumpkins, and your hands are full of pumpkin slime – you probably shouldn’t use a real knife. But still, I clutched the large knife in my fist, and when I attempted to slice the pumpkin…
… my hand moved down. The knife didn’t.
The result: a bloody hand. You could see the pink flesh hanging out. I cried, the other kids cried – and then the school officials let me bleed while they called my mother to pick me up. They were happy to let her attend to my critical issue as she saw fit.
How in the world did they get away with not calling the ambulance immediately to transport me to the hospital?! Could they not see the flesh hanging out?? The hand does not normally look like this!!
Luckily for me – seriously – my Mom just so happened to have the day off, so she could come immediately. Usually she works a good hour away from the school… that would have been a problem, don’t you think? But the teachers didn’t think, apparently.
I left the hospital later that day with several blue stitches, as well as consolation from the doctor that I was about a whole millimetre away from cutting my tendon and being unable to do much at all with my right thumb.
So count your blessings – opposable thumbs are useful. And think twice before cutting pumpkins with a steak knife, particularly in the presence of children.
And maybe slice apples at the counter before crawling into bed…? Or at least come up with a better story.
Like you were stabbed at Applebee’s.
